Transformations Aren't All That Bad

Transformations Aren’t All That Bad

By Jake Swartwout

As told by documents recovered from various locations

Emails sent from Phil to his Mom

Dear Mom,

I really need your advice. Yesterday while I was walking, I slipped and fell in some ooze. It was gross and smelly and I hurried home to wash it off. Later, my skin was all itchy. I don’t know if I should see a doctor, or whether you have some remedy for this.

Don’t worry too much,

Phil

Dear Mom,

Thanks for that ointment you sent me, but it doesn’t seem to be working. In fact, it caused gross patches of hair to sprout everywhere. I don’t know what is happening! I think I might go see a doctor soon, so if you don’t hear from me for a while, that is why.

On the road to recovery,

Phil

Dear Doctor Biggle Von Wiggle,

Recently, I have had a really bad rash. I put some of my mom’s ointment on it, and I started sprouting so much hair it was like I had fur. Please make an appointment for me to come in and see you sometime.

-Phil McGreggan

Doctor’s Report

Dr. Biggle Von Wiggle Health

Patient Name: Phil McGreggan

D.O.B.: 12-23-34 Gender: M Date: 03-24-55

Doctor’s Assessment: This is a very strange case. It appears that Phil’s mother had been giving him some sort of ointment that causes sudden and unpredictable hair growth (unpredictable, because it has never happened before). I have sent a sample of it and Phil’s blood down to the lab to see if they can make heads or tails of it. I am assuming that for the next day or so, I shall have to cancel all of my appointments and spend the day calling other doctors and doing some research. I hope that I will find out what is wrong with Phil and be able to help him recover.

Diary Entry of Taxi Driver Ed

Dear Diary,

Today was the strangest day ever. First, some guy came in trying to get to a street that didn’t exist. He gave it away with all of the laughing, so I dumped him out of the car. Next, some weird dude came in wearing some kind of mask, that made his face all hairy. I sighed and drove him to where he was going. He opened the window during the ride and some of the fur from the mask blew all over and made me choke. I was glad when he finally left, except that his seat was all covered with fur! Did he work at a barbershop or have too many cats? I cleaned it up, but another rider refused to take my cab because it smelled of hair. So, I spent the rest of the day trying to get the smell out. I hate picky customers.

-Ed

Email to Dr. Biggle Von Wiggle from Phil

HELP ME DR. BIGGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!ijoJIIIIGOASD JL mY nose is faling of!!!!!!!!!!!!l IDFJOIJjfiOIJfs osif nsjugvn ol WHat did yOou do to emeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Police Report of Officer Jim

Time: 14:51

Officer: Jim Nootle

Report of Event: This was the strangest situation I’ve ever had. After getting a call from a girl saying she heard screaming from her neighbor’s house, we zipped on over with the sirens blaring. We broke open the door and ran towards the sound of sobbing, coming from an upstairs bedroom. Me, Johnson, Curt, and Gary ran upstairs to nab what we thought was a thief. But instead, we found a single man. He was laying on the floor, all covered with fur. We thought it was some sort of sick joke, until we noticed the nose. The man didn’t appear to have a nose, well, human nose. We found a shriveled lump of skin nearby that we think might have been his nose. How long he was laying there, and who would do this to him, I don’t want to know.

Doctor’s Report

Dr. Biggle Von Wiggle Health

Patient Name: Phil McGreggan

D.O.B.: 12-23-34 Gender: M Date: 03-29-55

Doctor’s Assessment: Phil’s case is getting even stranger. After I got his email, I rushed over to his house, only to find the police there. To my astonishment, Phil’s nose really had fallen off! I was astonished and scared, afraid to do anything else to Phil. I think he blames it on me, but I don’t see how taking some blood could do this to a man. He has begun to resemble a cat! I have no idea what is happening, but I know that I must make sure it doesn’t spread. I have decided to send him away to a government run facility built for dealing with problems like this. I hope they treat him well, and if they don’t, all I can do is apologize. The government is strange in that respect. I hope that they are able to determine Phil’s problem, and treat it too.

Letter to TUMI, Treatment of and for Unusual Medical Issues

TUMI,

I am sending you my patient of whom I have no idea how to diagnose. He came to me about a week ago with a problem of rash and full body hair growth. Then, his nose shriveled and fell off, leaving a strangely animalistic nose. We took him in and put him in an isolation chamber, where he shall remain until we send him to you. We drew a sample of his blood and will include it in the shipping. We found some toxin that we weren’t able to identify, and the slight change of the blood cells. I sincerely hope that you can help him with his problem and restore him back to normal life.

-Dr. Biggle Von Wiggle

Patient Report From TUMI

Patient #: 4982634975

Diagnostic: Patient number 4982634975 is doing surprisingly well for just being on the edge of trauma. After the first day, he was already walking around his room, looking rather bored. So, we decided to let him out and converse with the other patients. Soon, they were laughing and joking like kids and given him the nickname ‘Kittykins’ based on his cat-like appearance. There are no signs of further mutations, other than the roughening of his hands, into pads like a cat. What caused these strange mutations, we don’t know. But, patient number 4982634975 has expressed great concern about getting out and back to the world. We have had a conference, and decided to release him after a week without mutations, if he feels ready. We are making sure that he really does what to do this, as he will never be able to go back to normal life unless he is cured. That is, if there is a way to cure him.

Kittykin’s Journal

Dear Journal,

The doctors have agreed to let me go with conditions. I keep this journal (almost had to keep a diary), I live within a 5 mile radius of the hospital, and I come back if anything at all happens. I don’t really like writing though. My fingers have gotten shorter and stiffer and it has become very difficult to hold a pencil. I have barely gotten used to my change. Sometime, it feels like yesterday that I was human. I lie in bed remembering. Then other days, it feels like it has been ages. I remember everything that I’ve gone through and try to find how it could have not even been a month. Time is a confusing thing for one to ponder over. I think I shall stop now, in order to prevent my brain from exploding.

Today was my first day out of the house I chose and TUMI bought for me. I decided to see what the public response to my new figure was, which was a bad idea. First, people screamed. Then, they cried. Next, they tried to hurt me or chase me away. Finally, they called the local authorities and I had to show them my TUMI papers to show that it was okay for me to exist. Some people. Once this was explained to them though, they calmed down greatly and became very interested in me. They looked me over, I meowed for them (even though I wouldn’t normally), and they clapped and laughed. That was when I was inspired. I would be an entertainer! I was so eager, I came straight home and wrote it down here, so my kitten of a memory wouldn’t fail me. Tomorrow, I shall start a life of fame!

I awoke early next morning excited. I couldn’t wait to eat some kibbles! Wait… no… I wanted eggs. With bacon. Or maybe just bacon. I think I ate lots of meat, and soon threw up. I must get used to this ‘no self control’ thing. Anyway, sick and ready to work, I created a sign out of some paper I found and headed out. I performed for people all day, and once they got over the shock of a cat-person, they loved me. I made so much money, I could buy a whole new refrigerator full of meat.

Today I got to eat lots of meat again. I went down to town and was met with a cheering crowd. Everyone loved me! I performed my juggling act and they roared for me (They seemed to be more animal than me, I think). I was a star. Also, apparently, someone put me online and now I am an internet star too! Throughout the day, I was getting tons of letters, phone calls (which I answered ‘meowllo?’), and ding-dongs of the doorbell which opened to show crowds of my cheering fans. To be honest, I think time is messing with me again, because this was all in one day. Was the world really that ‘awesome part-cat part-human creature thing’ deprived that they went crazy in just one day? The world is a confusing place.

Today I got the scientists’ (at TUMI) permission to fly out to New York. I got invited to do a TV show interview. I used the money I got in the mail to buy an airplane (you have to do that to travel, right? I keep forgetting) and fly out to New York. The plane I bought came with a personal chef, who kept feeding me delicious shrimp. He tried to make me eat a red sauce I thought was blood, but it wasn’t. So, I was sad the whole plane ride.

In New York, I was greeted by more screaming fans. They pushed and shoved, and almost made my airplane tip over. I was so scared! Luckily, some police came and pushed out a path through the people for me. I took a taxi over to the studio and had a pleasant evening with a nice man. The crowd kept screaming though and I was afraid of the cameras, but I got over it only partially deaf. For being on the show, he gave me a floppy piece of paper I almost threw away, before I remembered it was called a check, and it was worth money. I brought it to my bank and they threw several bags of cash into the Kittykins vault, which somehow had gotten more money that the normal vault of the bank. I went to the beach-side mansion I bought (I feel like I should have gotten something called a hotel, but I didn’t remember what it was so I just bought a mansion. You can’t have too many mansions.) and relaxed the rest of the day. Being famous is hard work.

Today I was bored (no interviews), so I bought a submarine and cruised around in it. I sent out my helicopter (I didn’t want anyone to have to ride in an airplane with sad shrimp) to pick up my friend Timer Tim (who changed personalities every 4.398 hours exactly, for no apparent reason). He was released a day or two before me, only needing to have one bodyguard. It wasn’t long before my helicopter got back carrying its payload. Me and Tim had an extremely fun time on the beach, for about… 4.3979999 hours, before he changed into ‘Sad and Moody Tim’. I went back to my mansion and called the exterminator to get rid of the reporters I found hiding under my bed.

I had a restless sleep last night. I tossed and turned, haunted by the sounds of vacuums and news reporters. Today, I decided to do something about it. I got Tim, my 5 refrigerators full of meat, and my mousy toy, then got into my submarine. I was getting away from this madness. I glided away, without a care in the world.

After a few wonderful days of relaxing under the sea, I have begun to get worried. Food has been going missing (even though I mastered self control), I have heard noises at night, and I keep seeing shadows. Has someone found us already? I tried calling to them, but they didn’t respond. I don’t know what to do.

Today, Tim has gone missing. I searched all over the ship for him, before noticing that two of the three scuba suits I have are missing. Someone must have kidnapped Tim. I am mad with grief and worry. I don’t know what to do.

3 days have passed since Tim went missing. I think it was the captain that took him, because the ship has begun a slow descent towards the sea floor. Why they would want to kidnap Tim, I don’t know. I am just afraid that something might hurt him. I would never forgive myself.

Today, I attempted to put the sub on the correct course. I looked at the thousands of buttons on the panel and randomly pushed a few. I must have done something wrong because a hissing sound has started and water is dripping in from somewhere. I decided that it was best just to leave it. I have the feeling that I am forgetting some way of getting out, but my mind has begun to fail me too. Maybe the captain of memories has left too, kidnapping happiness for no reason but to make mr. brain angry.

I have begun to sing away my sadness. I sing, and it fills the ship with the vibrations of song. I feel the sadness flowing out of me, until I hear the depressing echoes of an empty ship and I am filled up twice over. I don’t know if I will live. It doesn’t matter anymore. The public must hate me, the bank must have given away all my money, and Tim is most likely dead.

Today, I could see the sea floor. It is about a foot away, and we will reach it in a day or two. I hope I die sooner than later. I tried messing with the buttons again, this time turning a knob and flipping some switches, but instead it just made the seafloor rush by quicker. I think I have done something wrong. Mousy toy would probably know.

It is the middle of the night and I have just been awoken by a loud bang. I go to the front of the sub and see that it has smashed into a rock and water is flowing in quickly. I jump away quickly. Water scares me more than ever now. I am writing this so that people will know what has happened to me. I think my fridge is waterproof. I’ll put this in there. Goodbye, cruel world.

Article in the Floridan Times, a newspaper

Body of Millionaire Found Dead off Shore

This past Tuesday, the body of Phil McGreggan, better known as Kittykins, was found off the shore by a fishing boat. After much searching, his crashed submarine was found with his diary in it, explaining the incidents and the accusal of his captain. After much research and hunting, Captain Cam Camela was found holding Timer Tim captive. He claims he only wanted Kittykins to follow him with the diving suit, then trade half of his money for Tim. The police are going to have a trial for Cam this next Wednesday, and will see what his punishment should be. A search for Kittykin’s will is being done and we will know where his enormous fortune will go. Everyone is mourning the loss of our beloved Kittykins.